Rambling, Imposing, Imposter-ing
Sometimes it's a struggle trying to achieve what I'm trying to achieve. I'm writing under this name for the moment and I feel like it's running away from my last attempt at creating under another name. My last attempt at creating left me in a place where I felt very vulnerable and quickly realized that I very much need my privacy.
There seems to be a weird thing that happens when people feel like they know you and as it turns out I'm a person with a lot of trauma, (who'da thunk it?) that trauma seems to leak into my life in weird ways. I really didn't think that when I finally started gaining some traction that the thing that made me feel the most unsure and the most vulnerable would be people 'knowing' me. I know that now, and it drove me to drop everything when it really got to me.
I don't know if I'll ever put myself out there like that again.
I want to share my interests and my thoughts, I'm not even nervous about sharing my background, some of my struggles, but I don't think I'd ever step in front of a camera again. I've tried to do it again, I thought about making this that kind of account, but the anxiety it gives me is overwhelming.
When I started creating I thought I wanted what a lot of creators want; to see their name in lights, to be well known and then someone recognized me at my job from a show that I did and I realized that I don't want that. Much like in my real life my biggest source of happiness comes from being myself with people who appreciate it. I want work that is expressive even if it's not for everyone. Whether it's romance or action, thriller or suspense, interactive fiction, novels or art, I just want to do a good job and have that work meet people who an appreciate it.
I've met others that tell me that I need to dream bigger, but there is not enough money in the world that could buy my peace of mind.
Anyway, that was a weird random rant and I hope that whoever is reading this is having a bang up year and is thriving and living their best life... Not someone else's idea of their best life, not someone else's idea of thriving, but one that is meaningful to them.
Anyway. I'm going to get back to work now.